Do I live my life? Or does my life live me? Who is in control here?
This is the question I’ve recently been asking myself over and over again. Somehow it feels like I lost grip and a persistent feeling of captivity just won’t leave me alone. I get caught up in thinking so much that I lose focus, I miss the big picture and the smallest problems seem to be overwhelming.
Where did I go wrong?
It’s like I forgot who I am. I forgot what I can be capable of. I forgot my potential. I find myself questioning life and everything about it. It’s a burden I have been trying to smother for the longest, smoking it and drinking it away, but it never really leaves. People tell me I’m doing great and it’s nice to see me back on track, just that I feel the exact opposite: I have no idea where I am or where I am going!
Over the years I have adapted several addictions to get me through the day and away from my problems. Some I prefer not talking about, some that don’t even feel right to myself, I still fall victim to them anyway. Over time, I even started defining myself though exactly that behaviour, watching myself become a person that I never intended to be. A person that I don’t even like anymore. And to tell the truth, if I had the choice, I wouldn’t even befriend myself.
I feel completely uncomfortable with my life, and I’m doing precisely nothing to change that. In fact, I let my life control ME, rather than the other way around. Shit happens and I respond. Somewhere along the road I let life take the lead and became a silent observer and obedient slave to it. Anxiety and distress mark my situation. Sometimes it feels like I’m afraid of being all that I can be, scared of my own potential, scared if I could live up to it (which is actually stupid, because if you already have the potential then of course you will be able to live up to it; It’s YOUR potential!) Luckily, I have at least realized that by now, with help from angels sent through dear friends. Friends that I also treated poorly over the years, simply because I haven’t been aware of myself anymore.
I decided to put an end to that. Who is going to control my life and make me happy if I don’t do it myself? My life would have no value if it wasn’t for my own self. It’s time to move from darkness into light, time to take control, time to be addicted to nothing else but ME and genuine things in my life that put a smile on my face. Along the way I forgot the child I used to be, and just now I’m catching a glimpse of who I am and all that I could be. I intend this feeling to last, grow stronger and take advantage of my mind and everything in it.
It’s time to no longer be dictated by my addictions, no longer be limited by fear, and most importantly time to stop standing in my own way.
As I’m writing this, there is weed laying on my table waiting for me to roll it up. Will I smoke it? Will I resist? I know big parts of my confusion are a result of my year-long smoking habits, so I know it’s the right thing for now to leave it alone. I haven’t been smoking all day (the first day in a loooooong time) and I’ve been feeling amazing all day. So I know already actually..
I’ll smoke it anyway, to say goodbye, and then move on to new frontiers!
– written by Milky Himself!
Thank you for sharing your story with us.